Saturday, 29 June 2019

Drunk, sad, and more than a little fed up


So I’m roughly between seven and twelve drinks in, sat at home, just me and my depression waiting for the panini to grill.

Am I funnier when I’m drunk? I think so; but I’m drunk so I don’t think my opinion should be taken as gospel.

I think it’s very fair to say my blog has been severely neglected — and in a lot of ways that’s a good thing. I write this blog as a cathartic way to get all my demons out of my head and on to the internet, 릴 게임 신천지 so no blog means no demons, right? Wrong. I mean; it was right. It was right for quite a while; and everything was right.
And then it all just went wrong. It started how it usually started, the downward spiral I mean. It started off as a family incident, then added on a couple bad grades, then the family incident turned to a family crisis…and then it was just everything.
It was just everything.

It was how fat I am. How ugly I am. How stupid I am. How worthless I am. And when old feelings show themselves, old coping mechanisms aren’t far behind. That’s when I started cutting myself again. 릴 게임 오션 파라다이스 I’ve told exactly one person, but I guess that number is going to increase after tonight. And honestly, all I want to do tonight is to do it again.

I went a whole year. I went a whole year without hurting myself. And then I don’t know what happened? All of a sudden, 릴 게임 야마토 I don’t know, it just felt like the only option? And I know that’s silly I really do. There’s so so many options; and in my rational mind (although it’s slightly marinated in whiskey) I know there are literally a thousand things I could do instead. One of which is coming onto this blog and writing about it instead.

I don’t know how to get it out. I just feel — I mean currently I feel full, because that panini I was grilling is completed and it was delicious, (don’t worry readers, I know the only reason you’ve gotten this far in my story is because you were enthralled by the panini outcome), but I’m also empty. 릴 게임 황금성 It’s the first time I’ve admitted it; even to myself. I just feel empty. Like a vessel?

I recently read about dissociation — I didn’t realise it had a name. I feel it a fair bit, I can’t remember the first time it happened. That feeling that I wasn’t a real person — like the words that I was saying were coming out of another persons mouth…I don’t know. It’s difficult to explain. How do you explain that you just don’t feel real anymore? How does anyone in my life comprehend that?
I’m just so sick of feeling alone.